Pathetic Fullmetal Alchemist Poems
by Capybara
Summary: The title says it all. Since no one challenged my claim...NOW BOASTING THE LARGEST COLLECTION OF FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST POEMS! Have you had your daily intake of lead?
1. My dear Colonel

By: Capybara

B:4-6-05 E:

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

A/N: Okay, I'm not sure if this needs an explanation or not, but I was trying to get to sleep a couple nights ago, when all of a sudden I had a sudden inspiration—and thus this group of poems was born. I can't write poems at all, but I like to pretend I can.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**A Few Words to My Dear Colonel:**

**A poem from First Lieutenant Hawkeye**

**To**

**Colonel Roy Mustang**

* * *

Everyday, I see you

Staring out the window at something only you can view

Maybe you're seeing your goals; your dreams

Or maybe it's something I'd rather not know.

* * *

My friends envy me; they think you're really cute

I scoff and say it's you I'd like to shoot

Still, I can't help but silently agree with them

But that's more than I'm going to share.

* * *

You always get yourself into dangerous fights

But somehow you always set it to rights

Though I can't help thinking:

Why do you still think you're useful in rain?

* * *

My dear colonel, you drive me insane

Prancing about, playing your stupid games

You make me think that leashes

Should be standard issue.

* * *

I do respect you, and for you I'd die

I know it's crazy, so don't ask why

Maybe it's your charm

Or maybe you've got me hypnotized.

* * *

That's my job--to keep you in line

And you think you're so mighty fine

And though I'd have to admit it too

That won't stop me from harping on you.

* * *

And God forbid you should shirk

Any of the three tons' paperwork.

For, my dear colonel, I've got a pistol

And I assure you that it is going to hurt.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

A/N: My attempt was pathetic. Hideously so. Oh well, tell me what you think. I don't mind flames, and in fact, they may finally help me convince a friend of mine that **I CAN NOT WRITE POETRY! **

Oh yeah, and just because I have to murder another type of poetry, here are these (For once they're not about Roy OR Riza! 'Tis a miracle!)

**E**ffortlessly

**D**oes

**W**hatever is

**A**gainst

**R**oy's

**D**irect orders

* * *

**A**lways

**L**oves

**P**rotecting

**H**elpless

**O**rganisms that

**N**eed

**S**ome

**E**ncouragement


	2. Tis not easy to be Alphonse Elric

Disclaimer: No, I don't own it.

A/N: Here goes another poem, because I had some free time, and God forbid I have free time. (I would have worked on Spitfire, but I have a heinous writer's block on that story.)

**_'Tis hard to be Alphonse Elric_**

'Tis hard to be a chunk of armor

True, it is not as easy to come to harm or

To get ran over or ignored.

But the stares get very old

Some of the looks I get are just plain cold!

I have considerable trouble fitting in

'Tis not easy to be made of tin!

I can never walk quietly; I always clank

Those mean kids think I look like a tank

People often confuse me with the Fullmetal Alchemist

(I guess Ed's so short, they just cross him off their list)

But me, I'm as big as a barge

'Tis not easy, being so shiny and large

I mean, how will I ever get a date?

(We all know who'll be marrying Winry; it's fate)

Someday, though, we'll find that stupid stone

And I hope it's before more people call me a cone

By then, maybe more people will see;

'Tis not easy to be me.

A/N: Yep, Al has some self-esteem issues. He is also kind of bitter about the whole stone-thing. Oh well. Do I have to remind you to review, or have you been trained properly yet?


	3. I'm Not Obsessed! Ed's poem

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Duh.

A/N: Here goes the accompanying poem to the Al one. It's shorter. And doesn't rhyme as well. Too bad.

_**I'm Not Obsessed!**_

A poem by Edward Elric

First of all, I'd like to say: I'm not obsessed with my height!

I do not lie about it; I do not get into fights

I'm quite content with my measurement

It's not my real height—I swear my knees were bent!

I always to my best to look small

I'm just pretending, that's all

Girls dig the shorty!

(Though I'm not, I told you already!)

I absolutely do not own platform shoes

The ones in my closet are not even the color I'd choose!

I've definitely been framed

No doubt it was that stupid (and really tall) Mustang!

It is just a lie that I'm very short

Whoever told you that is going to get hurt

So let me end this loud and clear:

I'M NOT SHORT, **AND** I'M NOT A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR!

A/N: Hee hee. Ed's in denial. Al has self-esteem issues, and Ed is in denial. Wow. Anybody out there want me to destroy another character and give them some dysfunction? I'm open to suggestions, but you're going to have to tell them to me (here's the catch) in a review! BWHAHAHAHAH!


	4. Winry's poem

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

A/N: I apologize, but I just CANNOT write that chapter in Spitfire. I'm about half-way done with it, but I honestly cannot finish it. I am working on it though, and expect to have it up by next week. SO SORRY! But in the meantime, here's some more stupid poems. Winry, as requested.

**__**

**_Winry's poem_**

I love shiny wrenches!

And sitting all day on oily workbenches!

Screwdrivers!

Nuts!

Bolts!

I can't get enough of mechanics!

I'll never tire of these antics!

Oil!

Grease!

Metal!

It's all so shiny!

It's all so fine-E!

Pulleys!

Wires!

Hammers!

Anything metallic!

Anything bright and slick!

I just love it all!

EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!

Huh? No, I'm not crazy.

I'm just being me!

A/N: Yep. I hate Winry. I'm sorry. She just annoys me. But I love my reviewers. So, anything in the name of reviewers!


	5. Hughes' Attack

Disclaimer: No, no. I still don't own it. Stop tempting me.

A/N: Here goes another one. Don't ask why. I was running out of characters, so I did Hughes.

**__**

**_Hughes' Attack_**

Do you know who is the most beautiful in the whole world?

I do!

Do you know who is the sweetest angel ever?

I do!

Do you know who is the cutest child ever?

I do!

Do you know who the smartest daughter is?

I do!

Do you know who is the most perfect human ever?

I do!

Do you know who has to look at pictures of her?

You do!

A/N: Hughes' is getting kind of scary here. Anyway, there's one more poem that I'm going to post today, and it's the best of them all. It's Roy's!


	6. I'm Going to be Fuhrer! Roy's poem

Disclaimer: Nope. Not yet.

A/N: Okay, this one is my personal favorite. Partly because Roy is my favorite character, and partly because I think this one is just plain funny. Enjoy.

**__**

**_I'm Going to be Fuhrer!_**

I am going to be Fuhrer.

I am going to take control of this military.

So do yourself a favor

And bow before me.

I am going to be Fuhrer.

I am going to reign supreme.

So just back off.

You can forget that little dream.

I am going to be Fuhrer.

I have no problem with our shirts.

But ladies, shave your legs

You're wearing miniskirts.

I am going to be Fuhrer.

I am going to do it my way.

So stand aside for me

It will be a glorious day.

I am going to be Fuhrer.

I am going to get there.

So be with or against me—

It's only for my allies I care.

I am going to be Fuhrer.

I'm going to beat the rest.

If only because I know

Hawkeye's legs will be the best.

A/N: Yep. That was partially inspired by a request, but come on people. I was going to write his eventually. Anyway, I'm still open to suggestions, and you still have to give me them in a review! BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH!


	7. Ode to my Beloved Cigarettes!

Disclaimer: Iown nothing.

A/N: Hello! Sorry I haven't updated in a while. To make it up, I posted TWO new ones today. Enjoy!

**Ode to my Beloved Cigarette**

**A poem by Jean Havoc**

Ode to my beloved cigarette

You're always there for me

I only wish I could buy you for free!

Ode to my beloved cigarette

Forever in my mouth you'll be

(Except for when my girlfriend's kissing me!)

Ode to my beloved cigarette

Everyone else in the office seems to hate you

But they don't enjoy you like I do!

Ode to my beloved cigarette

I'll never even try to quit

Your addictive nicotine—I couldn't live without it!

Ode to my beloved cigarette

With you I never have to fret

You're the only true friend I've ever met!

Ode to my beloved cigarette

I'll never let anyone take you away

But I do wish that you'd help me get a girlfriend someday…

A/N: Uh-huh. Havoc's obsessed. And, children, don't be like Havoc and smoke. It's bad for you! But it is GOOD for you to review!


	8. Lust's poem

Disclaimer: I STILL do not own it!

A/N: Hi! This poem is a of a rather--sensitive--topic, at least if that is how you view it. But I think it's funny. So read it.

**Lust's Bust**

**A poem by Lust**

Hello, my name is Lust

I have few problems with my appearance--

But I hate my huge bust!

I never wanted it in the first place

It always seems to be the only thing people remember

Most don't even glance at my face!

The men never listen to me

They only stare with wide eyes

I swear it's the only thing they see!

My fellow homnoculi tease me about it

I've heard their jokes a hundred times

I get it already, dangit!

I would change it if I could

Maybe when I get the Philosopher's Stone

I'll do something about it—that sounds good.

What? You say I should wear a less-revealing dress?

Oh my, listen to that.

Somebody's just jealous, I guess!

A/N: See? That was an--interesting--topic. Review! I'm still open for suggestions! Heck, I NEED suggestions! So tell me the character I should do, and if you're feeling really generous, perhaps you could even give me a topic? I'm afraid my well of inspiration for these poems has run dry. Please help!


	9. Black Hayate\'s poem

Disclaimer: I don't own it yet.

A/N: It's a glorious day! My muse returned to me in the middle of the night, and I was up for an hour writing down all of my new stuff. And then I looked at my newest review and couldn't believe it! **Saffiremoon21** said they wanted a Black Hayate poem. Saffiremoon21, guess what poem I had just finished writing? A Black Hayate poem. Although, I'm afraid that it's not exactly what you're expecting...still, enjoy anyway.

**A Solemn Soliloquy **

**By (a very well-trained) Black Hayate **

Hello. It is very nice to make your acquaintance.

You have my acquiescence

To enter my master's domain.

My master does not need my protection.

She often shoots at the slightest provocation.

And thus is the reason I obey her every order.

I provide her with some companionship—

But I know who has really earned her worship.

He has passed my inspection—she can have him.

I remember very little of my existence

Before I was brought under her insistence.

Now, I always follow her commands.

I have no choice—she got an accurate shot

And I get the feeling that a certain someone thinks that's hot.

Oh, I apologize for that, it was not my place.

I do my best to be a respectable canine.

And in regard to her, that is just fine.

As long as I don't get in her way.

I believe she loves me in her own course

I'll certainly stick with her, for better or worse.

After all, am I not supposed to be man's best friend?

She rescued me from a man who said I was appetizing.

And took me home in a form of compromising.

I'll never be able to repay her.

Thus this is my solemn soliloquy

The thoughts of an insignificant dog like me.

(Although I hold myself to be of a very nice breed.)

OOOOOOOOo

A/N: That was not what you were expecting, was it? Sorry, I hope I didn't scare off anyone with that poem. I mean, I've got so many new ones to share--when I get them written. But, as of now, I'm going to put one more on! So it's your lucky day! But I'm still open to ideas.

**Hikari and Yami Kaiume:** Of course you can put Ed's poem on your favorite quotes page! It's an honor! Thank you for asking, and if you wouldn't mind giving me credit for writing it...Wow. What an honor! Oh, and I heard your request. I think that Furey is a good subject for a poem...now I just need another visit from my muse...It'll come eventually.


	10. There's a chimera under my bed!

Disclaimer: Nope. I claim nothing.

A/N: Hello yet again! Yep, my muse has been generous, but I still have no clue where this one came from...Oh well. Al's getting a second poem. I hope you like it...I was giggling while I wrote it.

**Brother, There's a Chimera Under My Bed!**

**A poem by a terrified **

**Alphonse Elric **

Brother! There's a chimera under my bed!

You've got to kill it Ed!

I heard it breathing and growling!

I just know around my room it was prowling!

Brother, you've got to save me!

There's an evil chimera running free!

Oh no! What was that!

That was no harmless rat!

Brother! There's more than one!

Come on, hurry up, bring your gun!

It's really scary Ed!

I think it's been a long time since it's been fed!

Brother! You've got to slay the beast!

Quickly, before it has an Alphonse feast!

I don't care if I'm metal!

I'm sure it's not a cute flower petal!

Brother! I'm not imagining things!

I heard it under the bedsprings!

It's coming to get me!

A terrible, horrible, chimera, don't you see?

Brother! I'm not afraid of the dark!

Oh no, I think I heard it bark!

Ahh! It's Den!

...All right, so maybe I got a little carried away...again...

Brother, you can go back to sleep!

I'm not afraid of dark...eeep!

OOOOOOO

A/N: Yep. I personally thought that one was amusing. But I'm more interested in what you think. By now you know the drill: Review and suggest whatever you want.


	11. I swear it exists! Ed's other poem

Disclaimer: Okay, let me break the word apart for you. Dis-do not. Own-have possession of. I do not have possession of FMA. So there. Stop pouring salt on the wound!

A/N: My muse has been good to me, so here comes another set of two poems. This is Ed's second poem, I know, but he is the main character, right?

**I swear it exists!**

**A poem of the Philosopher's Stone **

**By Edward Elric **

The man stared at me, holding back a laugh.

After mocking me, he assured me it was only good-natured chaff.

"If you think you can find it, I believe you."

I didn't think his words were true.

Everyone reacts the same.

It's the stupid rumors—they're to blame.

The Philosopher's Stone exists!

And it's much more powerful than any stupid catalysts

I swear that it is real.

A little stone that multiplies your powers—what a good deal!

I'll find the stupid thing,

And then all of the doubters will have to stop snickering.

I don't care that people have been searching for centuries.

There is a way to solve all mysteries.

And solve it I will!

No matter what I have to provoke, fight, or kill.

I have a noble reason for the stone.

I wish only to return my brother to flesh and bone

--Okay, and use it to grow another five feet

--Alright, and then use it to pound Mustang into his seat.

But those are all noble reasons!

And so I search for the stone in all seasons!

I know the stone is not a myth.

There is simply nothing to argue with!

Do not mock me!

For as soon as I find it, your death it will be!

THE STUPID STONE EXISTS!

So shut up, or I'll have to start using my fists!

P.S. I am still not obsessed, and am not a pathological liar.

OOOOOO

A/N: Same old, same old. Yep. Reviews and suggestions welcome! Very welcome.


	12. My Eyepatch is SEXY! the Fuhrer\'s poem

Disclaimer: I don't own it! I thought I made that clear already?

A/N: There is no excuse for a poem as disturbing as this. So I won't offer any. Read at your own risk--the Fuhrer is not in his right mind.

**My Eye Patch is Sexy**

**A poem by Fuhrer King Bradley**

Ahem. Greetings. I am Fuhrer King Bradley

As leader of this military...

I have an announcement:

MY EYE PATCH IS SEXY!

Yes, it is true.

I think it looks grand, don't you?

I like it in black, but maybe...

I should get my eye patch in blue.

Either way, it stays the same.

I really think it keeps me from looking too tame.

And yes, I know.

It just drives the ladies insane.

Ahem. I am the mighty Fuhrer King Bradley.

I just _love _running this military!

And I must say it again:

MY EYE PATCH IS SEXY!

My eye patch is what makes me

A sight for all to see.

It enhances my masculinity

And just generally makes me lovely.

I know that many men are envious

The eye patch makes me look so devious!

And it makes me irresistible

Around me, women tend to get mischievous.

(Eh hee hee.)

Ahem. That's it, as Fuhrer King Bradley

I end this briefing to my military.

With one last reminder:

MY EYE PATCH IS SEXY!

OOOOOOOO

A/N: Like I said, there is no excuse. But the idea was so funny that I had to write it! At least, it was funny to me. And of course, the usual. Review and suggest. Thank you!


	13. I am NOT a girl! Envy\'s poem

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA.

A/N: Here comes the next poem...and I can't believe I've written so many...wow. And I can't believe I've actually gotten some reviews. That rocks! You guys rock! I love you all!

This one is the unlucky thirteenth poem...maybe I'll get flamed for this one. Or not. I'm not really superstitious. Okay, with that irrelevant babble over, here is the next poem.

**I'm NOT a girl! (Seriously!) **

**By a very traumatized Envy**

People, get a clue!

And while you're at it, get some glasses too!

For people always misjudge me

I'm NOT a girl, can't you see!

My body is just far too masculine

I know that men envy it—and that's a sin.

I have such a male voice

And it was not mine by choice

My maker wanted me to be

Exceptionally manly

So I think I'm going to go hurl...

Why the heck does everyone think I'm a girl!

The clothes I wear are a little scanty, true

But everyone enjoys it, don't you?

And what I wear isn't a skirt—look at how's it's built

Clearly, it's a very manly kilt.

So my hair might be a little long

There's nothing with that that is wrong.

It's a very fashionable thing

And it makes me interesting.

My gender is very genuine

And I am NOT feminine!

So what if I like to dance and twirl?

For God's sakes, I am NOT A GRIL!

OOOOOOOOOOO

A/N: Sorry Envy. I thought you were a girl the first time I saw you...I think a lot of us have made that mistake. Oh well. Review and suggest. I promise that I will get around to the suggestions soon! After I get some sleep. I am SO tired...


	14. History of The Sparkle! Armstrong's poem

Disclaimer: Negative.

A/N: Yes, I know this is not a request--but I PROMISE to get to the requests soon! This one has been sitting on my computer for a while, though, so I thought I would post it; specifically since I'm rather lazy right now and probably won't post for a while. Not that many people care. Anyway, enough with the excuses.

**History of The Sparkle**

**By Alex Louis Armstrong **

The Sparkle.

Ah, something that has been passed down

Behold! Tales of the generations abound!

All of the Armstrong line

Is blessed with a mighty fine body—like mine!

We all have incredible strength

And our tales of history are of an unmatched length!

For the history of The Sparkle

Is something quite remarkable.

It is a tale of courage and honor

But is more than just brag or

A bunch of exaggerations.

For our muscles have no limitations!

My techniques have all been passed down for generations!

My family has conquered entire nations!

Behold! My indisputable beauty!

Indeed! I am everyone's favorite cutie!

The Sparkle is legendary!

And its saga is very, very, very

VERY LONG!

But it is so beautiful!

Just thinking of it makes me tearful!

Would you like to hear it?

Hey!

Where'd you go?

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

A/N: The last part didn't rhyme. I'm sorry. By now, I assume you know the drill. See ya!


	15. To the Forgotten Characters

Disclaimer: --sigh-- Get a clue!

A/N: This is sorta based on a request from **Hikari and Yami Kaiume**, who said that I should do a poem about Furey...but then I realized I had no idea what to write about him; I mean, who writes about him at all? This brought me to a very real, very sad problem in the Fullmetal Alchemist fan world--there are many who are forgotten. So this poem is for them.

**To All the Forgotten **

**A pity poem **

This is for all the forgotten

Those who we ignore, or just don't know.

Not many discuss you

And you are left alone to drown in your woe.

I speak of you, Ross, Denny and Furey.

No one ever hears about you.

There are no fics, no fanarts

Our ignorance is absolute and true

This is for all of the characters

Who play an important part

But are shunned and unloved

We fans don't always have a big heart.

When was the last time you read

Something about Denny Bloch?

And his cute little crush on Maria

(His French name is pronounced like 'block')

Have you ever seen a fanart

Of the adorable Cain Furey?

Has a suspense fic about Breda

Ever been the source of your worry?

What is wrong with these characters?

They're just as good as the rest

Why is it that the main characters

Always have to be the best?

We should be ashamed

To be so shallow and cruel!

I mean, seriously,

Some of these characters rule!

So this is a poem to the ignored.

And let this be a lesson to us all.

Wouldn't be nice to write about a character

Who is not so small?

(Is punched in the face by a ticked-off Ed)

OOOOOOOOO

A/N: This poem wasn't even trying to be funny (unlike my others--I only wish they were funny). And I apologize for the cliche Ed joke at the end. I shouldn't be talking. Ed, I feel your pain! It sucks to be short! Ahem, any way, if there are still people reading this, the usual applies. Read, review, and request! (At your own risk--requests tend to come out strange, as this one demonstrates.)


	16. Have YOU had Your Daily Intake of Lead?

**

* * *

**

Disclaimer: Do you want me to set Gluttony on you? Because I will!

A/N: Here is another request, because I finally got around to doing some. This one was suggested by **DeRabbitQueen**, who said I should do one about Hawkeye and her gun obsession. As per usual, this request came out strangely. Please, enjoy this mutant.

**Have You had Your Daily Intake of Lead? **

**Another poem by Riza Hawkeye**

In today's busy world, we often don't take the time

To make sure that we have the proper nutrition.

You need your calcium, copper, and iodine.

But there is a vital supplement often overlooked

Have YOU had your daily amount of lead?

It is a simple substance to intake

Although it's not always readily apparent.

Taking this vitamin is a piece of cake.

In fact, all you have to do is look up this barrel.

It always amazes me

How many people are suffering

From the horrible malady

Of not getting a daily amount of lead.

Lack of this vitamin is apparent on the external

And some people need more lead than others;

A grand example of this is a certain colonel.

But I make sure he always has the lead he needs.

Have YOU had your daily amount of lead?

This is a horrible deficiency

That is often ignored, and thus

Runs rampant in this country.

But I to what I can to cure the disease.

Those in need of lead often appear to be cruel,

Threatening, foul-tempered,

Or the kind that make the ladies drool.

But finally there is a cure!

So if you insult me, I understand.

You're not feeling very well,

Just stay still, and I'll give you a hand.

Just let me load this pistol...

And now you've had your daily intake of lead!

OOOOOOOOO

A/N: Another good request ruined by a malformed poem. My work here is done. But yours isn't if you haven't reviewed this, requested something, or both! Come on people! ...please...?


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